I haven't posted anything for a very long time - almost a month. After being ill, I found myself blocked. First, a bit of personal history. Some of you know that I am a registered nurse, although I have been retired now for some time. I retired quite early. Anyhow, I spent most of my nursing career in administration at a major hospital in Ann Arbor. 2 years before I retired, I decided I wanted to go back to clinical nursing, and after having been away from it for about 15 years, I decided to take a job in the ER. Before I actually started there, I hit the books on my own. There was so much to learn - how to read the monitors, I had to get certified in advanced cardiac life support - well, you get the idea. I finally started actually working there, and I have to tell you, I was scared shitless every time I went to work. It was a 35 minute drive, and all the way there I was talking to myself, asking myself what in the heck was I doing - was I totally insane? By the time I got there I had so much adrenalin in my system that every cell in my body was on full alert. I felt like a fraud. I was certain that at any moment someone would discover that I had no idea what I was doing. But here's the thing .... I was good at it ..... I really did know what I was doing, I just didn't believe that I did. The manager came to me one day and wanted me to be a preceptor to a new nurse in the department! She also wanted me to train to be a charge nurse. I was stunned.
So, fast forward to now. In many ways I feel exactly the same about my ability to make art as I did about practicing nursing in the ER. I feel like I don't know how to do it .... any minute now I will be unveiled as a wannabe with absolutely no talent. Sometimes I feel like there's an elephant standing on top of me. I know, it's crazy. I mean, who cares what I do? What difference does it make? I can only think that my inner critic has grown to monstrous proportions. So what to do?
Tomorrow is my birthday - I can't believe it, but I'm going to be 65!!! (which has nothing to do with any of this). I'm giving myself a present. I'm going to draw or paint something, and no matter what it looks like, I'm going to post it. It may not actually get posted until Saturday, but I'm doing it tomorrow. I don't care what it turns out like, I'm posting it, warts and all.
I'm sorry for the length of this post. I like to keep them short because I know many of you check out many blogs and long ones take too much time. But there you are - the next one will be short, I promise.
Oh yeah, the "blocked" thing was done the last time I was blocked, it's not new.
